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Dear Hammy Issue 4

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 03:53, Jun 16 2007

The following contains adult language and disturbing themes. IYH does not condone any of the information, views or advice given by "hambone". Read at your own risk.

Dear Hammy,

How can we end the violence in the Middle East?


ahh hell son have you done gone hippy on me but i reckon i got a grasp on the siutation hell just take them there fishnets off the female folks face them boys will be letting some of there built up tension explodin and taken a break from car bombs

Dear Hammy,

I'm thinking of taking up cannibalism as a hobby, but I'm not sure how I should begin this new lifestyle. I saw an infomercial for a "Cannibal Starter Kit" on TV last night, but I don't know if they were selling good merchandise, or just crappy cheap stuff made in China. Also, I don't have a mountain shack with a fire pit yet, so all cooking will have to be done in my microwave. I should add that I'm on a low sodium diet, lactose intolerant, and suffer from acid reflux, indigestion, and irritable bowl syndrome. How can I get started in the world of cannibalism, and can you recommend a recipe that won't affect any of the medical conditions I mentioned above?

Hungry for humans in the heart land

what in the hell boy you taken my lifestyle and trying to make it all purty and fancy with your fine ways for fucks sake boy this aint no emerill lagasi this is a way of life once you sink your sink your teeth into the flesh and start tastin the salty skin and warm fresh blood oozing over your tongue youll forget all about that low sodium horseshit hell you even get used to the cold stairs and banshee like screams coming form the cheerleader tied up in the corner as she watches ya use her sister as a appetizer

for a first timer i reccomend a nice tenderizing of the meat hell son a nice ride up the hillside with your fresh catch tied to the bumper of the pick up oughtta do the trick as grandpa hank always told me make sure to tie gag and sack thats one rule ya can never forget back in my pappys day you didnt have to worry as much about lost evidence along the highway but now every goddamn policeman thinks hes a damn csi tv star and knows all about them thar dnas and shit but not only is it safer you mainatian all the lost earlobes fingers and skinned up knees hell youll thank me when it comes time for the family picnic and ya be needed yer some stew meat

Dear Hammy,

When should a boy my age start dating?


ahh hell son is your mommy finding the sticky sheets already

Dear Hammy,

How do I get past level ten of medal of honer:rising son

The Dish

fer fucks sake boy get out into the sun and build up some muscles be a man no time for this god damn video game bullshit hell when i was your age i was already catching little leaguers down at the lake during summer camp if old man cruthers woulda caught me playing a game of tic tac toe or some other happy horseshit it woulda lost lil hammy an eye or a finger god bless his soul the old bastard he knew how to learn the youngins god damn i miss that man hes buried out at the pond in the unmarked grave littered with my cousins who didnt quite learn fast enough

Dear Hammy,

Is it worth paying the extra per pound for Champagne Mangos or should I save a few bucks and eat the less honey like regular mangos ?

Fruit man on the Cape

this bullshit makes me sick to my stomach here i am tryin to learn you fancy boys into men you god damn girly boys and your fancy ass fruits for fucks sake boy its just a god damn apple marked up for rich little college boys you wont be asking me if thats a champagne mango or a god damn crab apple when im stuffed in em your gutted carcass for thanksgiving day roast dinner at the hammy house

Dear Hammy,

Should I not blade myself while back yard wrestling?

King Subby

hell son are you one of those god damn emo rich boys cryin in the corner how bad you got it you take that blade and cut yourself a chuck of lovehandles off that chubby bastard your rasslin if he wont do the job thatll teach him who hes playing with

Dear Hammy,

Will there ever be a New Kids On The Block reunion?

Norrin Radd

hammy thinks it time to take your posters off the wall tie em up in one long strip and hang yourself out in the back yard you worthless sack of moose shit

Dear Hammy,

Why do guys like hogging the remote?


well there little lady you need to get yourself a real man not one of them there couch potaters a real man dont waste time clickin the god damn remote and shit they just pull out there pecker or give a big grunt when its time for the female folk to cook em up some food

Dear Hammy,

What is the nature of the changes that have been introduced by Einstein, as a consequence of the theory of General Relativity?

The quantum mechanic

yeah college boy keep yer yappin as hammy drives ya down to the gas station i love finding them there educated types on the side of the road at night hell you know they got a god damn clue how to fix a flat tire ya just play nice and let em go on about the studies and readin they be doin they dont even notice the old dirt road you driving down then by the time you get to skinnin and fileting they are all talked out to give ya a proper scream hell your pop out an eye and squish it in yer fingers then ask em to give ya a lecture now hell son hammy just loves shit like that

Dear Hammy,

What's it all about?

Lost Lucha Lamb

well son my great grand pappy lived a long fruitful life i reckon its all about looking back and remembering all the good times if a man cant enjoy his work then what is it all for i remember sittin by his knee at the fire and listening to that old man mutter out some stories you could tell by the glimmer in his one good eye he still had the passion

now remember boys this was long before viagra but once and a while old grand pappy would get a little rise in the stump if ya know what i mean while he was tellin us boys about the look in some tramps eyes when he carving off some chops or the gurgled plees fr help as he was boiling up a tongue he just wrenched out of a hitchiker us boys were always told to take care of grand pappy and back in his day he was quite the romeo so wed go and get a head out of the basement take a candle and heat up the lips and burn off the ants for pappy hell son its not always pleasant work but the look in his eye with that severed head in his lap and trousers around his ankles is soemthing that still brings a tear to my eyes today

to put it in simple terms i reckon i am a simple man and its all about the memorable times with yer loved ones

Dear Hammy,

After patterning the last few months of my life on your fine example and following your sagely advice; I now have outstanding warrants in 4 counties, and am the subject of man-hunts in three neighboring states. I gotta get to Mexico, and I gotta get there quick! How can I make it from Alabama to freedom while avoiding Johnny Law?

Hiding in the woods in Alabama

good question son youre making old hammy proud id say lay low fer a while maybe get yourself a nice cave or big hole under some trees out in the deep woods or hills remember if it bleeds you can eat it if its liquid you can drink it i think youll be fine and a better man for it in the long run

Dear Hammy,

What is your opinion on the medicinal use of crack cocaine? Also what are your thoughts on our government's unjust criminalization of that sweet sweet rock?

Crackhead Oprah

hell there little lady i dont think ya need no drugs to live a happy life like ole hammy here this makes me a sad man that our country is coming to this it makes it hard to know whos safe to cook medium rare and who ya gotta charburn on the fire hell back in my younger days i could pick up a business man and be farely certain i could cook me up some rare steaks for me and the kin now with this legal drugs and all these damn diseases i gotta burn most of the meat and the choppers aint quite what they used to be

Dear Hammy,

If I'm not a hypochondriac but think I am, does that make me a hypochondriac?


son you got to stop talkin to them damn doctors once when i was just a young lil snot ready to go out into the world old sheriff pinkerton found some peculiar bones in my shed he sent me down to this here doctor they try and tell ya now hammy it aint right to catch the neighbors dog and bring its severed tail to show and tell yer scaring the other boys and girls it aint right to chop up farmer mcgees pigs with a pocket knife and your own teeth naked under the moonlight hammy we think you might have a problem hell son my daddy set that doctor straight and ole sheriff pinkerton got himself a big bowl o mommas fine chili

Dear Hammy,

I have recently found out that someone I have known for a long time has been lying to me.. I thought I could trust this person but obviously I can't. What is the best way to get back at him or her.. or him.. ?

Devastated and disillusioned

an eye fer an eye as my daddy always taught me now ya got to take into consideration here how big of a lie was this was it a 2 tooth lie was it a bottom lip lie was it a tongue yankin lie ya see here a man might think twice about lying to ya again when you got a pair of scissors in his gumline hell or you could just tell him to say hes sorry

Dear Hammy:
Do you think you will answer our questions before 2007?

Big Redish

listen son hammy has some business he has to take care of time to time i understand you worthless moose turds are lost without ole hammy to teach ya right from wrong now you take that back talkin mouth of yours and close that trap before aunty mable gets the stitchin needles you dont want to be like cousin ronnie who went the summer of 83 drinking his food threw a crazy straw stuck between the stiches he was able to chew through now does ya

Dear Hammy
why do fools fall in love ?


well young yammy even ole hammy has fallen victim to the thing we call love back in the winter of 94 things were looking bleak for hammy i wasnt sure what i was doing was right thats when i met sarahbelle a lovely young thing from down at the mall id see her every night coming out of the woolworth and getting into the car id be hunched down behind the dumpster everynight at closing time just to get a few glimpse then when that wasnt enough i took the next step in the relationship as they say and id watch her undress fer bed outside her window sometimes id just stand there and watch her sleep hell son hammy aint too proud to admit he fondled the little hambone a few times thinking of burying in her backyard

when the time came to show her my place the butterflies were buzzin when i got her hog tied in the back of my pick up i felt like a little shcool boy all over again the terror in her eyes when i pulled off the blindfold and she saw me jiggling away playing the pocket pool in my denim overalls hell son i wasnt that great with the lady folk yet and i couldnt control myself

that was the best 5 weeks of my life 2 or 3 times a day id crawl down into the basement and we make love right there under the steps hell she was so special sometimes id even loosen the ropes and pick her up out of the puddle from the leaking sewage pipes

as they say love is fleeting and ole hammy either tightened the gag too tight the night before or sarahbelle just couldnt take it anymore and swallowed her own tongue but when i found her the next morning and her typical jerky motions werent there that always caught my fancy how she still ahd the energy to try and get free when she saw me just lit up my face with joy sadly it was all gone but hell son we still had another few weeks together before the maggots got my sarahbelle

well sorry folks after thinkin back about my sarahbelle ole hammy needs to take some time off and get her tattered corpse out of the broom closet maybe we can play some tiddleywinks for old times sake

ill get to the rest in the july edition send me some more questions talk to ya soon

you got a question about life or love well send it to me at the IYH message board and dont be spammin no lame ass website or youll find your thumbs on toothpicks at the annual iyh charlie sheen movie marathon


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