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Fabulously RAW - Issue 003 (May 30th, 2005)

Posted in In My Head by Tyler at 01:06, May 31 2005

by Captain Stratusfied

HERE I AM AGAIN. Yes, your favorite RAW reporter is back with this week's look back at WWE Monday Night RAW. Quite a few things to cover, and some strong opinions and points to get to. Did Viscera take Lilian Garcia to the love shack, or is the saucy ring announcer still tin roof-rusted? Should Kane be thrown a bottle and be forced to wear a gigantic diaper to go with his new-found soft spot? Will Chris Jericho manage to pull yours truly back on board with the remaining Jerichoholics? How hard did Edge really Spear Lita? Can Christian pull of the best promo in RAW history? And is RAW still Triple H? All these topics and more will be addressed by your favorite Captain (not under WWE contract) if you will just read on. But? please? drink a Simon Shake first. Fatties need not proceed.

The opening segment of this week's show is a *very special* bikini contest involving the *very special* RAW Divas. Jerry "The King" Lawler is in the ring and is the host and judge for the contest. He welcomes Christy Hemme to the ring first, and despite reports that have gone up on other sites that say she got a "huge pop", I heard a pretty good amount of boos. Those Canadians usually know what they're talking about. Candice Michelle is next out, followed by Maria, who both get practically no reaction whatsoever. Gawd. As attractive as these three women are, and although I find myself enjoying Maria's new dumb gimmick and Candice's? other qualities, I've just about had it with the eye candy in the company. That said, I at least like to look at these women, and the new Divas on SmackDown! are all an eyesore. Anyway, next is Victoria, who, again, despite reports from other sites, I think got little to no reaction. Which was odd in the first place, considering she's the only one introduced so far that has any talent. Finally, Lilian Garcia is introduced as competing in her first swimsuit competition. The King says Lilian is up first, but as soon as she is about to disrobe, the hip music of BIG VIS hits. Here comes the man of the moment, again decked out in a suit. The King offers Viscera the opportunity to help him judge the contest, but he passes and seizes the opportunity in front of him, hoisting Lilian up and carrying her to the back. The contest continues and none of the Divas get a mentionable reaction except for Christy, who this time, DID get a pop. Might I add, she had to take her clothes off to get it. The King announces Christy as the winner and the other girls congratulate her? except Victoria. Victoria is visibly upset, and proceeds to whip some Diva Search ASS. She knocks Candice out of the ring and kicks the stupid out of Maria. She launches for Christy and lays into her with straight punches. The King tries twice to pull her off Christy, and the second time Vickie kicks him right in his royal home entertainment center. She picks Christy back up and nails her with the Widow's Peak. She leaves Jerry Lawler and a whole bunch of uselessness laying in the ring. Thank you, Vince. Now, let's jump on top of getting her a new theme song.

Backstage, Todd Grisham asks Victoria about what just went down in the ring. She is freaking out. She says she is sick of Christy Hemme. Christy gets everything, even WrestleMania 21. She says it should have been her, dammit! And dammit, I totally fucking agree! Can I say that? Well, I did. Vickie says she hates Christy, and I'm loving every minute of this. I hope she snaps and goes crazy again. She needs Stevie back. God, I miss those two together.

Uhhh? do I have to review this match? The Heart Throbs VS The Hurricane and Rosey. I'm not sure what to think about the Heart Throbs. I'm not sure what to think about Stacy wearing a damn mask every week and teaming with The Hurricane and Rosey. I'm not sure what to think about The Hurricane and Rosey as the Tag Team Champions. The Heart Throbs are supposed to be very good-looking, I'm supposing, but I just don't think Antonio lives up to that. I didn't think Romeo was that much of a looker at first, but he's growing on me. He still kind of resembles a cartoon character with those facial expressions, though. I love their gimmick, but really? it should be for attractive people only. I don't really know if this was a good match, I can't say I paid that much attention to it, but I know the champions retain the gold.

Batista now arrives? and he is PISSED. After the commercial, he's shown speaking with Eric Bischoff, who says Triple H isn't there tonight (whew) but he will be interviewed by Jim Ross via satellite (damn). Batista tells Eric that he accepts Triple H's Hell In A Cell challenge, and he wants to put the match in writing. So, next week, we will bare witness to the 675th in-ring contract signing in WWE history involving Triple H. Then, at Vengeance, we will witness a Triple H feud culminate in a Hell In A Cell match for the 983rd time. Muhammad Hassan and Daivari barge into Eric's office at this time, pissed, like the rest of us, that Triple H gets another World Heavyweight Title shot after losing twice in a row to Batista. Batista gets all up in Muhammad's business and challenges him to a match later in the night. Muhammad walks away, but Daivari gets up in Batista's face and starts going on about? something. Batista slaps the God out of him. Shew. Pick on someone your own size, big man.

Shelton Benjamin puts his Intercontinental Title on the line now against Sylvain Grenier and Robert Conway in a triple threat match. Coma. It's almost a disgrace for Shelton to still have the title. I'm not taking anything away from the guy's in-ring performance, but he's just not interesting. I can't figure out for the life of my why he gets cheered every week. Even the Canadians cheered him. I don't mind the storyline going on with La Resistance, but this match was just way too Sunday Night Heat for me. It pretty much served no purpose other than to make Shelty look good and to have something to do with Grenier and Conway. Shelton takes advantage of a disagreement between the former Tag Team Champions and picks up a victory using the lamest finishing move on RAW, the T-Bone Suplex.

Now it's time for Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel! Jericho finally picked up business in this segment. His mic work was finally back up to par, and he had me drunk with Jerichohol. He announced that next week on the Highlight Reel, since next week is the beginning of the draft lottery, he would interview the very first person to be drafted from SmackDown! to RAW. He then introduced his first guest for tonight's show, Kane. Kane made his way down to the ring for the show and Jericho began to ask the tough questions, but Kane wasn't responding. After much nagging, Kane seemed as if he'd snapped and began stalking Jericho. Edge then appeared on the Titan Tron and asked Kane how it felt to be Speared by him a couple of weeks ago, then asked how it felt to know Edge has been Spearing his wife for months now behind his back. God. I love Edge. He says he's not sorry for what he's done, then welcomes Lita into the scene, stating that unlike Kane, he will not put his girl in harm's way by letting her come to the ring alone. He's a real man. Now we see Lita, who proceeds to give the best promo of her career. Her facial expressions were priceless, and she even imitated Kane's ridiculous laugh. God. I love Lita. She announces that she has filed for divorce, officially making Kane her EX-husband. She and Edge walk over to a toilet and tease dropping the wedding ring into it. After much grief, Lita finally mustered up the courage to drop the ring into the toilet and free her innocent self. The two then make out, hardcore. As if you thought they'd go an entire show without doing it. God. I love Edge and Lita. And Incher does, too. He just doesn't know it yet.

Eric Bischoff walks out with a microphone and rants about how ECW is dead again. Blah, blah. Not interested. He then says that he is sanctioning the table match tonight because he wants to prove that he can out-ECW ECW any day. He then announces that Edge is his newest crusader in the fight against ECW, and welcomes him to the ring for the table match. Edge's music hits, and NOW I am interested. Very interested. The King and Queen of the WWE make their way to the ring, looking only as they can: FABULOUS. Enter Benoit. This is normally where I make a food or bathroom run, but since he's fighting Edge, I stayed. This was a pretty good match to me. Lots of close calls. I was on the EDGE of my seat. Har har. At one point, Lita ran in and moved a table out of the way, saving Edge from losing the match. As the match goes on, Benoit goes up for a diving head butt, but Lita knocks him off the top rope, and Bischoff signals for more crusaders to come to Edge's aid. Tyson Tomko and Maven run to the ring, followed by a returning Gene Snitsky. Together, Bischoff's team destroys Chris Benoit, allowing Edge to Powerbomb him through the table and win the match. Lita climbs into the ring to celebrate with them and Bischoff stands in front of them, proclaiming this is just a sample of what ECW has to look forward too. Well, at least some interesting people are involved in this angle now. God. I love Edge and Lita.

Next is a very disappointing segment for me. J.R. interviews Triple H via satellite. I'm okay with this at first, but then the audience began chanting "Boring". Like I said, those Canadians know what they're talking about. After a minute or so of the "boring" chants, the audio of the crowd was cut off, so we would have to sit through this god-awful promo we've heard before every single Hell In A Cell match involving Triple H, which is damn near all of them. The fact that they went to these lengths to protect Hunter quite frankly pissed me off, so I turned the channel for the remainder of the promo.

And I return to RAW to witness the Masterlock Challenge. Feel the enthusiasm. This week, Chris Masters opens the challenge to anyone in the locker room instead of anyone in the audience. Val Venis answers. I stop paying attention again. I look back at the television to see Val passing out after apparently putting up a good fight. I have absolutely nothing to say about this.

Next up is the highlight of the show. Christian makes a very special appearance, with a new tron video to go along with the already best theme song in WWE history. Now, I'm sure you're aware by now that I'm a long-time Christian fan, and unlike most of these Peep wannabes that came into the picture within the past couple of months when Captain Charisma starting getting his push, I remember most of the promos he's ever done. However, every time he opens his mouth, it just keeps getting better and better. The man managed to finally get someone to boo John Cena. God knows I've been booing Cena for a long time now, but I'm obviously in the minority. He talks about the possibility of getting drafted to SmackDown! again. This is scaring me. SmackDown! does NOT need Christian. RAW needs Christian. Christian needs RAW. We don't need our hero to be sent to Friday night television just to job to John Cena for the next year. He'd obviously get a bigger push on the show, but let's face it, folks. A push on SmackDown! means nothing compared to a push on RAW. All signs point to the worst happening, but a guy can still dream, right?

It's time for the main event and Batista has a new theme song. Now, when Muhammad and Daivari were making their way out, I was seriously hoping they would show Batista up, but I have to admit once I heard Batista's new theme song and saw his new entrance, I was sold on the big man again. This was an okay match that ended in a disqualification, much to the dismay of the audience. However, I was happy with the ending, since Muhammad still keeps his winning streak. Batista got himself disqualified when he snapped and wouldn't let up off Muhammad in the corner by the count of 5. He brutally attacked Muhammad and Daivari, leaving them bloodied in the ring and apparently sending a message to Sir Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Pretty good ending to a pretty good show. Not as a good as last week's, and last week's wasn't as good as the week's before, but I expect it to pick back up next week when the month-long (and possibly disastrous) draft lottery begins from St. Louis, Missouri. Hopefully, a certain Legend Killer will make another special appearance.

E-mail me with your questions and/or comments at the address below, and always remember to stay FABULOUS.


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