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Fabulously RAW - Issue 002 (May 23rd, 2005)

Posted in In My Head by Tyler at 00:54, May 24 2005

by Captain Stratusfied

The Captain here with thoughts on this week's edition of Monday Night RAW. How does the Captain really feel about Lita's first promo as a heel? Or Chris Jericho's new attitude towards his wrestling career? How about the interaction between Edge and Christian? Did he enjoy the way Kane handled his wide leaving him for another man? What about the ECW funeral, or Ric Flair's relationship with Batista? And finally, did Big Vis continue to impress the FABULOUS one this week? Well, I could give you my quick opinion on all of these right now and we could all go on with our lives, but then I wouldn't be a journalist, now would I? So, grab a soda, bottle of water, beer, your preference, and big ole' hotdog, no matter what your preference, and kick those feet up and get yourself ready to be Stratusfied, and I don't mean by Trish.

RAW opens with a lovely video package from last week, covering the entire storyline where Lita turned on her husband, Kane. After the package, A buncha' cops start lining the ramp, and then and there I knew we were about to be graced with the presence of the hottest couple I've ever seen on television. "Metalingus" hits and here comes the happiest man on Earth and the spiciest diva, Edge and Lita. Holding hands. Awww. I think they went so well together. Their fashion senses really compliment one another. It was inevitable. Lita grabs a microphone and the Matt chants have already begun. Get over it, people. You may not have like what they did, but now they're an on-screen couple and they'll be shoving it in your faces every week. I've got to say I was very impressed with Lita's first heel promo. Her talking skills serve her much better this way than when she was a baby face. She's just got the best facial expressions. She mentioned that there was no reason for her NOT to turn on Kane. That he manipulated her into having sex with her, then got her pregnant, and then forced her to marry him. Then, his carelessness caused her to lose her baby. She says she used him to do all her dirty work, like take care of Trish Stratus, and all she had to do was pucker up. She says she had been seeing Edge for months now behind Kane's back and she is now with a real man. My favorite part of this promo was when she snuck in the comment that no man she had ever been with had satisfied her nearly as much as Edge. The audience ate that up. Too bad Matt said he's not watching RAW anymore. ? ? ?You know he's watching. Edge eventually gets the mic and after hearing the audience call Lita a slut, he says that they can call her a slut all they want, "but she's MY slut!". God. I love these two. They then proceeded to make out hardcore in the middle of the ring, ala last week. Great segment. Loved it. As it's coming to an end we see Kane backstage rocking back and forth. Oh, lord.

Shelton Benjamin is shown backstage talking to Eric Bischoff. It was supposed to be a rematch from last week, Shelton and Y2J VS. Muhammad and Daivari, but Shelton says Y2J is a no-show. Eric informs him that it's Shelton's problem, and that if Jericho doesn't show up, it will be a handicapped match.

So, it's Shelton VS Muhammad Hassan and Daivari. I love Muhammad and Daivari, but I'm so not into Shelton and even Jericho these days that I can't really say much about this match. Muhammad really needs to take Shelton's Intercontinental Title and end his ridiculously long reign. The referee gets distracted and Muhammad nails Shelton with the unnamed finishing move and Daivari gets the pin.

Backstage, Chris Jericho is just arriving at the arena and as Todd Grisham tries to get a word with him, he says he's in a hurry because he has to get ready for his tag match. Todd tells him that match is already over and then I sorta' drifted off from the television. I completely lost interest and when I snapped out of my daze and started paying attention again, Jericho was walking to his dressing room.

Now, we're taken to Christian and Tyson Tomko's locker room for the best backstage segment all night. The two are going over the SmackDown! Roster and Christian mentions that SmackDown! could totally use a dose of charisma. I think we're all in agreement. Then Tyson looks confused and says "Who's Mark Jindrak?". Ha. Hahahaha. That's why you rock, Tyson. It's certainly not because you nail that big boot every time you try, eh? Edge and Lita walk into the room and Edge tells Christian that if SOMEONE were to help him beat Batista tonight for the World Heavyweight Title, he would have no use for the Money in the Bank briefcase, and that he might just give it to that someone. Christian seems very pleased by this. I love when E&C reunite for a segment. But, there's this small issue that myself and our beloved BarbedWire have spoken about regarding them. The announcers don't even refer to Edge and Christian anymore. They refer to them as "friends". What's up with that? We're not going to forget about that. Well, it was nice anyway.

Steven Richards makes his return to RAW in a match with the man that broke his nose three months ago and the man that has had the most useless segment in the past month on RAW, Chris Masters. Finally, he's doing something other than the Masterlock Challenge. Although, this still wasn't enough to keep me interested. For the second time, I began drifting off and missed most of the match. But I caught the ending, where Masters got the Masterlock in on Steven and that's all she wrote for this one. I liked seeing Stevie back on RAW, but this was still a Heat-level match.

Another backstage segment. Bischoff tells the Grish to inform Chris Jericho that he has a singles match tonight, and that he wants Grish to interview Kane. Poor Grish.

It's time for Chris Jericho's match. He's going one-on-one with Sylvain Grenier. Now, I was all there for this one. I'm pro-Sylvain, even though he's not the best in-ring competitor. I just like the guy, and I think this match was okay. Although, there was nothing really worth mentioning until the end. Jericho wins with the Walls, and out comes Shelton, looking for answers. Jericho grabs a microphone and walks up the ramp, telling Shelty that he's a busy man and he's going to be late sometimes, and Shelty's just gotta' deal. He says no matter what he does, he'll always have his Jerichoholics, to which the fans give a very mixed reaction. End of segment, and I'm still not interested.

Next up is the ECW funeral. Eric Bischoff is in the ring, with funeral d?cor everywhere, and he talks about how this signifies that he is putting an end to ECW once and for all. As with the Jericho/Benjamin storyline, this is another thing I'm not too interested in. I never tuned in for more than one ECW show, because I came into the wrestling world around the time of its demise, and when I turned over, they just kept reviewing stuff that had already happened. But I've been able to see some old matches and although I thoroughly enjoyed them, I'm still more of a clean-cut wrestling fan. So I can't say much about this, but I thought it was interesting to see Bischoff, Heyman, and Vince in the ring at the same time. Vince interrupted Bischoff to reveal he was behind the One Night Stand pay-per-view and then called out Paul Heyman. Paul Heyman pretty much ranted to Bischoff for approximately 5 days about how ECW was awesome. Then he set the ECW wreath in the ring on fire, proclaiming Eric was about to start a fire he couldn't put out. I don't know what to make of this segment, but my guess is the ECW full-time return rumors will be popping back up now.

So, during the ECW funeral segment, Vince announced that the match Bischoff cancelled last week between Chris Benoit and Tajiri will take place tonight. And it takes place directly afterward. We're given this match that didn't seem very ECW for me. It seemed like an old WWF hardcore match, and a short one at that. Not that I'm complaining. A short Benoit match equals a happy Captain. I can barely stand to watch this guy, and Tajiri is about on that same level. Benoit wins with a Crossface, using a kendo stick for leverage.

We see Batista backstage. Ric Flair walks into the room and shows his appreciation for what he did for him last week by shaking his hand. I wasn't buying it. Not for a second.

Tom Grisham interviews Kane backstage. Sort of. He cautiously asks Kane what he's feeling after losing his wife last week to Edge. Kane proceeds to rock back and forth and cry like a baby, screaming "I don't want this pain! I want to GIVE pain!". I'm seeing a pattern develop here. For some reason, it seems as though when Lita's with you, you're cooler than you've been in a long time. Then, when Lita leaves you, you suck again. Hmm. Well, she's with Edge now, I don't know if you've heard. And Edge was already as cool as he could be, so I don't think the pattern can continue with him. Although, I know our pal Incher highly disagrees with me on Edge. I think we're going to have to have a little chat.

FINALLY, we get to see Viscera. I'm loving this. Maria interviews him in the ring, but before she does, she calls Lillian Garcia into the ring. Maria continues to play the dumbass this week, and I'm glad for that. She says she's come up with a theory after last week that Viscera likes Lillian. Wow. That seemed to come so naturally to her. After a little talk, Big Vis says he waited and waited for Lillian at his hotel room last week and she never showed, so it's time to give her another surprise. He begins dancing to some killer music and even drops his trousers. The COACH interrupts, saying Eric Bischoff has demanded that Vis get out of the ring immediately. He made the mistake of getting up in the big guy's face. I was sure Vis was gonna' squash him, but it seemed to hurt his feelings. Sad. But then Coach made the REAL mistake of trying to scream at Lillian Garcia. Vis gave him one huge Samoan drop, followed by what has been dubbed by Barbie as the Greco-Roman Ass-Rape. Only this Greco-Roman Ass-Rape was much more? graphic. I was stunned. Big Vis laid a big wet one on Lillian to end the segment.

On to the main event. Edge VS. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship. With Lita, Christian, and Tomko all at ringside, this all made for a very good main event. It was the most decent match I've seen Batista put on in quite some time. Maybe Edge's style just makes the animal look better in there, I don't know. With distractions everywhere, Edge had the upper hand on Batista through a lot of the match. But, once the referee got knocked down, tragedy struck. Edge, Christian, and Tomko were all in the ring pummeling Batista when Ric Flair came to the rescue. Why, Ric, why? He eventually got speared out of his boots, but that all gave Batista enough time to take out all three men and get the pin on Edge. Such a sad moment. Batista celebrates and hugs Ric Flair, and just when you thought we were going to enjoy two consecutive RAWs that didn't revolve around Triple H, the Game's music hit, and Flair delivered one quick low blow to Batista. Triple H came to the ring and bashed Batista's head in twice with a sledge hammer and challenged him to the Hell In A Cell match we've all known was going to happen for about two months now. Triple H then Pedigrees a bloody Batista onto the World Heavyweight Title belt as the show ends.

A very good show in the eyes of the Cap'n. Not quite as good as last weeks, but almost there. There were a few spots that were just kind of not needed, but the show told a good story. I guess this is all for this week. Until next week, this has been your favorite Captain.



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