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Dear Hammy Issue 2

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 10:28, Jun 03 2006

The following contains adult language and disturbing themes. IYH does not condone any of the information, views or advice given by "hambone". Read at your own risk.

Dear hammy why do they always lock the beer up at bigfoot now? I hate having to have the motherfucker at the cash register walk over with me to get my beer. I need immediate access.

things aint like they used to be i reckon back in my pappys days they all made their own moonshine outback in a broken bath tub under the sycamore tree even when i was about knee high only 5 or 6 i reckon i can remember old man 3 tooth mcelroy makin his hard cider for us kiddies before we went huntin


What do I do to get someone who is too good for my show to keep doing his segment? I'd appreciate any advice. Without him nobody would listen to me. Even Nick gets more emails than I do

hell for fucks sake grow a nutsac if you aint shit then ya aint shit hammy aint here to hold your hand and tell ya every man is created equal cuz hammy dont believe in fairy tales you worthless little prick some people are smart some are dumber than a sack of moose turds everyone aint special this aint no god damn feel good after school special the only thing special about some is they ride the little bus and their shirts are soaked in drool

Deary Hammy,

If Aliens are suppose to be so advanced, why do they come all the way to earth just to cut out some farm cows eyeballs and asshole?

i reckon the got mcdonalds on neptune too those doublecheeseburgers dont grow on trees you know

dear hammy why do i have high bloodpressure?

dear hammy are zebras striped horses? if so why arent they in my parade

jesus christ son get your add in check one question at a time hammy aint no god damn rocket scientist you know

first question first hell high blood pressure aint a bad thing as i mentioned before on the famous iyh message board go check it out you lazy good for nothing scumbags hell its your lucky day ill reprint it here for the world to see high blood pressure is good its a fun fountain trick for the kiddies table at thanksgiving dinner just tie em down slit the wrists or the jugular and sit back and enjoy the warm joyful glow in the childrens eyes as they frolic in the spraying blood thats what life is all about really

as far as zebras i always reckoned they were standing on the other side of a picket fence when it was getting painted

Dear Hammy,

Can old school Ral Partha metal figures really give me lead poisoning? Sometimes after popcorn breaks during a D&D session I find myself picking my teeth with the tip of my Ranger's long sword.

In Danger at the Dinner Table.

good god almighty son at least we know the line of losers ends with you cuz there aint no god damn way you are ever getting laid

My dearest Hammy,
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?

first of all no real singer is singing at a karaoke bar they are off getting their peckers spit shined by some skanks in the parking lot for fucks sake why do you think anyone becomes a singer hell i reckon some worthless washed up has been like leif garrett could try this trick to win $50 gift certificate for the all for a dollar and a ham sandwich at the run down salloon he sucks drunks off in the alley out back at

dear hammy:

why when i chased the leprechaun did i find golden pot at the end of the rainbow instead of a pot of gold? good smoking but not worth as much dinero.

hell that was no leprechaun that was gary coleman on saint patricks day trying to get votes for governor of california

dear hammy:

when are you going to shove a fork lift up dear abbys asshole?

hell that washed up abby shes probably dead and buried by now or brain dead in some hospital they just use her name and crack open fortune cookies from the tiki garden

What is the best way to eat humans.. steamed, fried, grilled, baked or in sushi

Curious and Eater in Oz

good question all depends on the occassion little lady save up the cash or shiny rocks you use to barter with down under for hammys cook book all the recipes are passed down from my great granny now that was a woman who could cook and my god did she make a great chili on the 4th of july back in the summer on 93 too bad she was so frail by the time she died there was only enough meat on her bones for one pot

Dear Hammy
When deep frying the flesh of your victims how often should one change the grease?
Unsatisfied cannibal In Mass.

ah hell the greasier the better thats why them there italians make some mighty fine burgers now the hammy clan arent all about themselves we have a deep concern for the environment that old long haired hippy willie nelson runs his bus on old grease from fast food joints i reckon the same could be done after frying up a few batches of deep fried earlobe and nostril fritters

Dear Hammy,

I have worked tirelessly at my company for many years. During that time the hot manager on the other side of the building has not tried to sexually harass me. She's single, unattached and has had plenty of opportunity, but every time I'm around her she insists on behaving in a professional manner. I have tried wearing tight fitting slacks, and "accidentally" dropping my pencil, so as to be forced to bend over in front of her, but to no avail. I'm starting to think that she doesn't even think of me as a sex object put there for her personal amusement! What can I do about this inexcusable working condition?

Untouched buns in Corporate City

jesus christ what is wrong you people be a man just pull out your pecker and tell her to pick this up the floor little lady next time shes bent over picking up your pencil just grab a handful or 2 of butt cheeks the women like a real man who aint afraid to show his manly ways not these pussys who watch fucking movies like broke back mountain or some other fucking shit where no one gets maimed or killed or no esplosions they dont want some quiche eating fruit who sips fucking herbal tea they want a man who eats burgers and chugs vats of kfc gravy and beats the shit out of sissys men not some nerd who balances his check book and changes his underwear and socks on a daily basis grow a nutsac show that woman that you aint got a pencil between your legs you got a girls dream under them britches you got a pecker that aint afraid to be used if that aint working for ya i reckon after a few nights gagged and blindfolded in the basement outta make her a little more friendly to your needs

dear hammy:

am i getting old because i cant powerbomb 5000lb pound people off of skyscrapers anymore?
-mighty duck

for gods sakes ducky leave gary coleman and his leprechain pot alone quit sniffing the glue for a week and youll be back on the road to power bombing fat fucks off the lawn furniture

Why does society frown upon me sneaking into Maternity Wards and giving Babies Muscle Busters ?

Also , if there was ever a time that I were to fall in love with someone whos really far away.. say.. for example.. actress Megan Fox. How would I further the relationship beyond the shrine & real-sex-doll fashioned in her image stage ? Failing which , how do I get a sample of her DNA for cloning purposes ?

Loves and Gloves - Yankin' in Yorkshire.

hell them babies got to learn some day i reckon you gotta start em young the world is over run by pussies all them little bastards deserve what they got coming i can just tell by their beedy little eyes in 14 years they are gonna be hanging out at the mall with their emo eye make up and god damn hoodys on might as well get it over with now

well son put down the pecker and the mouse for 5 minutes and put the love seeking to the next level you aint gonna catch you no fine young woman folk jerkin the gerkin to them there websites use that energy to focus on your goal im sure you will find it more rewarding or hell you might get your ass beat by her body guards these fucking celebrity entourages make it hard to pursue your forceful love nowadays the days of masked romeos and late night break ins will soon be just a memory to tell my grand kids some day i shed a tear when i think of the world they will grow up in

dear hammy:
why do my ice cubes melt when it is cold outside?

for fucks sake i aint mr sciense i aint no bill nye the science guy i reckon the corpse is too fresh and still has too much body heat hell pull out the pecker and get a few strokes in before she cools down

dear hammy:
Why does my life and my parents suck so bad?
-stumped in sandwich

well hell a young girl once asked that very same question and she turned it all around that lizzy borden was one fine little lady i reckon

Dear Hammy
We're going out to a fancy restaurant this weekend for my gals birthday.
Which fork and spoon should I use and when?
Uncouth in Buzzards Bay

how old will she be the more important question is what kinda knife ya need the older they get the tougher the meat ya need a nice sharp filetin knife or hell if shes over the hill you can always grind her up and make patties or sausage if ya got a good set of chompers just gnaw the flesh off the bones my daddy uses to tell me the bone provided the flavor

Which annoys you more, people who spam the IYH board about their own show, or people who come on here and just kiss everybody's ass?

Sexy in Tennessee

good question these worthless turds who keep cranking out thse god awful shows need to pack themselves up into a shed and let hammy and ducky douse it with gasoline and have an iyh marshmallow toast for fucks sake people you aint got no talent no one gives a shit about you stop making an ass out of yourself not everyone is going to be a star no matter what mommy and daddy tell you all you damn parents out there stop telling your kid he has potential cuz odds are hes a pile of useless maggot ridden trash

as far as the ass kissers they can live the iyh crew need some ego strokin i reckon but i reckon theyd like some pecker suckers more than ass kissers

you got a question about life or love well send it to me at the iyh message board and dont be spammin no lame ass website or youll find yourself in the fondu at the annual iyh tic tac toe tournament and luncheon


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