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Dear Hammy:May 23rd

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 23:51, May 23 2006

The following contains adult language and disturbing themes. IYH does not condone any of the information, views or advice given by "hambone". Read at your own risk.

Dear Hammy,
There is a really cute chick in the building were I work, but I rarely see her, and haven't figured out how to meet her, and ask her out. What should i do?
Clueless in Slartiland.

wait after work is over in the parkin lot make sure she aint got no boyfriend waitin for her do this for a few weeks to find out any patterns wait for her one night make sure the trunk is empty first try bribin her with dinner to get her in the car less chance of passer byes hearing screams from inside once you got her in then quickly subdue with ropes cuffs or a bashing to the head make sure shes well gagged before leavin the premises if you cant get her in the car its a little trickier just remember feller if she cant breath she cant scream

Dear Hammy,
I have a little problem, you might be able to help me with.There is this crazy guy who wants to hit me in the noggin and fry me ears and it scares me, what do I do?
Wetting the bed in West Virgina

hell you little numbnut girly boy grow a nutsac and stand up for yourself and remember you got 2 ears if ya go missin one you still got a spare

Dear Hammy,
I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how to enjoy longer lasting sex.
Premature in Parma

jesus fucking christ you god damn girly boy sex aint about long lasting its about bustin your nut i reckon it dont matter if its in 2 minutes or half an hour besides if your quicker you save cash if payin by the hour or if not payin remember what pappy hammy told me the longer you go the colder the corpse gets

Dear Hammy,
There is this guy I work with.. who keeps on making suggestive remarks.. I mean they are not bad bad.... They are kind of funny.. I do laugh.. but I am the Team Leader of the group so.. I am not sure how to deal with it..
Banging her head in OZ

well there little lady a hard blunt object to the nutsac otta do the trick if he keeps it up he cant talk to ya with no tongue plus it makes a nice taco salad with some diced tomaters shredded lettuce and nachos quick on the go meal for a picnic

Dear Hammy,
There are these kids at school who called me a fag, a quier, and said im gay because i like wrestling im not gay but what should i do if they say anything again?
insuted in sandwich

drop that motherfucker on his head a long rusty pipe in the right orafice otta show him who the queer is

dear hammy:
what do i do when people dont give me all their money?
ducky in duckville

oh my boy ducky you know what they dont give you gotta take hell if they got sense enough to give you their cash i reckon they dont deserve it in the first place so all you losers out there get a job so ducky doesnt have to

Dear Hammy,
What do you do when well meaning friends invite you out.. and oddly enough.. there is a "spare" guy there.. and surprise surprise... he is sitting next to you.. once again they have tried to set you up.. what do you do ??

if hes rich turn on the charm if he aint then turn on the oven

Dear Hammy
Have you ever seen a grown man naked ?

only when its filetin time dont want no zippers buttons or swatches of cloth in the stew its hard on mommas teeth

Dear Hammy,
Whatever happened to white dog shit?

for fucks sake shit is shit it dont matter if its blue black brown green full of corn or hot and steamy its still shit quit playing with that shit boy that reminds me of my crazy cousin eric who used to paint his walls with feces wash up its dinner time

Dear Hammy,
I just held in a sneeze, and now I see a bunch of floating objects wherever I look. Have just injured my brain? If so should I file a workman's comp case?
Aling in Alabama

god damn girly boys hammy has taken mace to the eyes billy clubs to the head stun guns to the groin you gotta build up a tolerance the hitchikers dont catch themselves if they dont fight back wheres the sport in it

Dear Hammy,
My favorite author promised to release a new column last week, but failed to do so. I'm worried that if I complain he may hunt me down and eat me, yet I would like to encourage him to write the column. How can I give him a gentle prodding without ending up in his skillet?
Tender in Tennessee.

like pappy used to tell me when i was a littleun dont go catching those boys down at the day care for old man jonesy up the hill for nothin boy you gotta get somethin outa the deal i got a shiny new red wagon for the sullivan twins that summer of 84 i woulda done it just to see old man jonesys eyes light up and for a taste of his home made chili but i learned a valuable lesson dont let em know you enjoy your work so in other words bribin works

you got a question about life or love well send it to me at the iyh message board and dont be spammin no lame ass website or youll find yourself in the fondu at the annual iyh tic tac toe tournament and luncheon


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