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FTW Summer of Synn Review

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 08:19, Jul 25 2011

by Taso the Greek

Fight The World Wrestling's event, "Summer of Synn" took place this past Saturday on July 24th in St. James, Long Island. Being that The Greek has been looking to get out more and see some live wrestling action, I decided this would be a great card to attend. Hey, Jake the Snake Roberts and Paul Bearer were advertised, plus I was interested in seeing the FTW World Hardcore Heavyweight Champion, Jimmy Jact Cash take on Balls Mahoney in a re-match from two weeks previously in Queens NY at an FTW/ICW joint show. Yes, Cash/Balls II was an incentive for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes into the land of strip malls and Billy Joel. That plus two klonopins and I was off to the wrasslin'!

The drive was easy enough. I parked my beat-up mini-van and headed for the doors of this large complex. No sooner had I stepped out into the brutal heat that I spotted a couple of Long Island tough guys with big muscles who gave me that smirk; you know the one; the look that would scare anybody except a homeboy from Brooklyn.Still, the thought of dealing with idiot Long Island juice-heads and their hair-trigger, Red Bull infused attitudes crossed my mind, but my ego was gladly satiated ten minutes later when one of these Jersey Shore rejects walked out from the dressing room wearing a banana suit. Yes, a banana suit.

The Sports Arena was pretty frikkin' large. One half of it had a hockey rink, and the other half was an indoor astro turf field. As I headed toward the crowd of people who surrounded the wrestling ring I saw a sign that read "No food or gum on the field". I kept chewing my juicy fruit. I don't give a damn. There was a line of vendors to the left of the ring, and about 150 people sat in folding chairs watching a Battle Royal. I was late it seems for the dark match. Lucky me. A number of students presumably were having a tag team Battle Royal. As I searched for a front row seat I watched the action, but no one really caught my eye, although this one real skinny kid had on a Masked Superstar hood and I immediately picked him as the favorite to win; he was then almost immediately dumped over the top rope along with what I presume was his partner, because they started arguing on the floor right away. Booking 101. These two very rotund young men also stood out amongst the generic grapplers, mainly because they were rotund, bearded, and they were wearing matching purple Kool-Aid man t-shirts. Suffice to say, the winners of the Tag team Battle Royal were aforementioned purple Kool-Aid Men, or Beerd Life, as I was later informed. After Beerd Life won the match, a young lady wearing the same t-shirt got out of her seat and started passing out brownies with purple icing. She did not pass me one. I presume these were not the kind of mind-altering brownies that would have improved my enjoyment of the show. So I didn't really care that I did not get one, only that I was not offered one. Maybe it was the IYH shirt I was wearing.

Quickly following this match, another pre-show match took place as The Island Boys, Johnny Malloy and Headrush, took on the tag team of Beefbus Santiago and Tyler Wright. This was not very good and I regretted not having asked for one of those purple brownies, which might have made this match go down a bit smoother. The most I can remember from it is that Tyler Wright sold his opponents offense in the most goofy way, very much reminding me of Skidmarks from Tough Enough. For the first time in my life, I wished Bill DeMott was sitting beside me.

Start of the show!

The owner of FTW, a guy named Steve something, came out to welcome the fans and to unceremoniously take a huge dump on the collective psyche of the crowd by announcing that Jake the Snake Roberts was stuck in a North Carolina airport and could not make the show. Steve Something apologized to the fans, and I swear I doubt there was one single surprised person in the entire building. But you cut your losses and move on, and so we did to the opening contest. The ring announcer was none other than Louden Noxious, or Gavin Loudspeaker, from CHIKARA fame! Heck, that sure makes up for Jake the Snake no-showing the event!

"Cutie Pie" Candy Cartwright vs. Marti Belle: The opening match, I think, was a woman's match. FTW staple Candy Cartwright vs. Marti Belle, who hails from Bronx,New York. I like Marti, I've seen her at a few WSU shows and at the first U.S. Pro Wrestling Sun show, and she is also a student at Johnny Rodz school here in Brooklyn. Candy started out with a lot of backing up and stalling and acting as though to lock-up with Marti Belle was akin to frenching a leper, but eventually these two young ladies went at it. Candy did a lot of screaming at every turn, and that was pretty much all I can remember. There was a bunch of communication and sloppy work which culminated in Candy winning the match via pin fall. It was right at this point I regretted not bringing a pad and pencil, or a laptop, to give play-by-play and blow by blow results. Well, on second thought, maybe that was for the best.

Mike Bennet vs. Josh Daniels: This was a pretty solid affair between two good wrestlers. Bennet was making his FTW debut and he is probably a good guy for them to book on their shows because of his ROH exposure. Daniels was being a dick to the fans, and he got an earful from Purple Brownie Girl. The match ended with Mike Bennett hitting a Uranage on Daniels, but Josh didn't take too kindly to the loss and attacked Bennett afterward. I smell a re-match.

The BQE (c) vs. Dirty Rotten Scoundrelz: The FTW Tag Team Titles were on the line in this match. The DRS came out first and they cut a promo on FTW and the fans, making fun of Long Island. I enjoyed this very much. KC Blade and EC Negro are very amusing gentlemen. The DRS said they wanted to have a wrestling match, not some shitty hardcore melee. This brought out the tag champs, Jay Lover and Tommy Buddz. They carried a ladder and some other plunder with them. Jay Lover cut a pro-FTW promo and ripped into his opponents. He was good on the stick. It didn't take long before the DRS attacked The BQE from behind and chaos ensued. Lots of nasty bumps,
mainly chair shots. FTW is the home of the chair shot. The ladder was only used as an obstruction to throw people into but that was good enough as both teams just brawled for a good amount of the match. The BQE successfully retained their titles when one of the DRS got spinebustered into a plank covered in mousetraps. Sadly, omeone had just seconds before mistakenly set off at least half of the traps. This didn't take away from the match and I thought it was the best match on the show.

Matt Taven vs. Javi Air: This was a match I expected a little bit more from, and honestly a day later I don't remember much of it at all. I remember Taven won the match and Javi Air gave that, "Good match, brother! Next time!" look to Taven and the fans. I think I was probably in awe of just how many obese people were in the crowd.

Jimmy Jact Cash promo: Holy crap! This guy is about as captivating as watching paint dry. After a few "fuggedaboutits" and "the JACT of the matter" phrases, the whole crowd wanted to kill this guy, and not in a good way. Jimmy Jact Cash is a big freaking dude, no doubt, he sorta reminded me of Samoa Joe. Now, this guy might not have the luxury of TNA catering, but given time he's probably one donut short of being a cop. Thankfully, in the midst of this heinous promo, the chair swinging freak, Balls Mahoney, hit the ring, swinging a chair no less, and chased Jimmy Jact Cash to the back.

The ORIGINAL Nigerian Nightmares w/ Paul Bearer and Toomba Timba(???) vs. The Gods of Destruction: Louden Noxious hits the ring to announce the next match but he isinterrupted by a Louis Farrakhan reject who looked like he got lost during the Million Man March and ended up in Long Island. This young man introduced the Nigerian Nightmares with Paul Bearer. First out was this guy who they called something like Timba Toomba or Kunta Kinte... I swear I am not a racist, I simply didn't quite get the name but it was pretty bad. He was hopping around like that guy from "Bloodsport" who did the monkey-style martial arts. He had on a loin cloth and white paint that made him look like a skeleton. He jumped around a bit and then out came the Nightmares, Maifu and Saifu, followed by Paul Bearer. The Nightmares are two dudes doing bad Kamala impressions. They are quite the sight though, but when they passed by me I caught a whiff of them and I thought I had stepped into a public urinal on the New York Transit line. My eyes were practically watering. At first I thought it was Paul Bearer, and I feel so bad thinking that! He is an old guy, but that doesn't mean he wets himself. I had to make sure, so later on in the match when Paul was just a few inches away from me I took a good long snort, and Paul Bearer smelled just fine. Those Nigerians need to take a frikkin' bath! Both Maifu and Saifu have Abdullah the Butcher-esque level man-titties, which made their appearance all the more horrible. The Nation of Islam guy then asked the crowd to shut up for the Nigerian national anthem. The Nightmares then did a bunch of ooga booga chants which was off-the-scale racist, but hey, this is wrestling! And it was funny anyway. The Gods of Destruction came out and they just looked confused. I was confused because they didn't even get an introduction. The match was a shit-fest on one level but on another level it was quite enjoyable, especially the big splashes that the Nightmares would do on their opponents. I felt sorry for the GODs because those Nightmares smelled like low-tide at Jones Beach, yowza! Meanwhile Paul Bearer and Malcolm X Jr. waved two huge green and white Nigerian flags around. I think they were trying to de-fumigate the smell of urine from their general vicinity. In the end, either Saifu or Maifu hit a big splash and the match was over. One hell of a special attraction, these two guys. Only after the match did Louden Noxious announce the names of the Gods of Destruction, Kurt Varis and Thorson Creed. All I can say is I held my breath during this whole match and it wasn't due to the suspense. Someone buy the Nightmares some Right Guard.

The Rockstar w/ Nicoletta vs. Gary Reno: Nicoletta was looking pretty fine in her tight dress. The Rockstar had on John Morrison pants, the ones with the frilly bottoms. Gary Reno looked a lot like Jim Powers. He was probably about Jim Powers�age too. This match was a falls count anywhere match and it lasted about one whole entire minute before Rockstar hit Reno with a poster(???) off the top rope to the floor. Really lame.

Tomasso Ciampa vs. Grim Reefer: FTW put on a little history lesson before this match on their video screen giving us some background on this feud. Ciampa had beaten Reefer a few months back and injured Reefer's back during the match. This was a submission match. It was not bad at all, as Reefer kept pulling a piece of tape from his tights to choke Ciampa. The match went back and forth until Grim Reefer got the tape around Ciampa's throat and into a dragon sleeper, and choked him out. I expected a little more high flying action here. There was a bunch of brawling on the outside as well. It was still a good match and told the story it intended.

Earl Cooter (c) vs The Master Wes Draven: This match was for the FTW Gen-X Title. I liked Earl Cooter's promo before the match. He is a hillbilly. You can't beat that for a gimmick, can you? He looks a lot like Joe Dirt, and I had to fight the temptation to scream this out through the whole match. Wes Draven is a small guy; fast, has face paint, and thinks he is a ninja. He is no Portia Perez or Nicole Matthews. If I told you there were a few botches and blown spots in this match, would you believe me? That would be true of the whole night and every match. Not to be too harsh but this match still had some nice spots. Earl cheated to win and left with the Gen-X Title, which was draped with Budweiser beer cans.

Joey Ace w/ Diamond & Mystery Partner vs. Lenn Oddity & Big Jim Sullivan: Lenn Oddity is a favorite here in FTW. He paints his face like The Joker, he has crazy-ass tattoos, and he acts like a psychopath. It's very endearing. I liked his energy in the ring. He was also selling masks and photos at his gimmick table, which was manned by a young lady with massive fake boobs (I think). I didn't stop to ask what was up with that. The kid sitting next to me bought a Lenn Oddity mask. Take note, WWE. Big Jim Sullivan is a veteran of the ring, big guy, sorta looks like Flash Norton. Together they took on Joey Ace and some short wrestler whose name I could not understand. The best thing about that tag team was Diamond, who so far is the best looking valet on the independents I have seen. At one point in the match, when Ace and his partner were getting their asses handed to them, the two short guys jumped out of the ring to confer in a private huddle with their valet. One fan asked if Diamond was doing both guys, I thought that was the funniest thing. Sorry, I'm not that sophisticated. Besides, she looked like she'd stroked more wood then furniture polish. Lenn Oddity and Big Jim got the win in this match and then there was a challenge made at the end but I don't really remember what for and against whom because it was probably almost midnight by this time.

Jimmy Jact Cash vignette: This promo... oh man. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent. The FTW video screen played a Cash promo and the guy says the same frikkin' thing about six times, twelve different ways. I wasn't the only one who just wanted him to shut up. The whole crowd was just dying here. Not everyone can be Ric Flair or CM Punk but not everyone gets twenty minutes of mic time. Even a social introvert as myself turned to the nearest kid next to me and asked him why the fuck did they let Jimmy Jact Cash talk on and on. He couldn't understand either. Smarks unite!

Jimmy Jact Cash (c) vs. Balls Mahoney: This was for the FTW Hardcore Heavyweight Title. One good thing was that there were no introductions, both guys just came flying out of the back throwing fists. They brawled around and chairs started piling up inside the ring. Little kids were handing Jimmy Jact chairs. I told one of the kids to hit Cash with the chair. Little kids don't know how good they have it. The match didn't go very long as chair shot after chair shot landed with Cash taking most of the match. I believe he tried to hit a big move onto the pile of chairs at one point, but Balls got him in a piledriver and to the delight of the FTW faithful, Balls Mahoney pinned Jimmy Jact cash to win the FTW World Hardcore Heavyweight Title!

I drove home relatively happy. I would definitely go to another FTW event in the future, even if I have been a little coarse here in my review of the live show. If the line-up stacks up well with some good talent from across the independents, and you throw in guys like Cooter, Lenn Oddity, The BQE, and even the smelly Nightmares, I might take another drive into the heart of Long Island just for the fun of seeing AND smelling what FTW has to offer.

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