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Half Pint Brawlers (The Debut Week)

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 04:46, Jun 03 2010

by João Gomes - Portugal

Half Pint Brawlers (The Debut Show)

The debut show stars with a ?Don?t try this at home? warning (what a great way start ANY wrestling show). We are then sent to a VTR filled with TV reports about the controversy that surrounds this promotion known to man as ?Half Pint Brawlers?. After it, we are then sent to a ?MTV Reality Show-rrific? recap of this amazing debauchery of a show that we are all heading into, head first. ?The M-word if fair game to us?, says, oh so joyfully Puppet, the boss. So far, I consider this to be great (Spike) TV. We start things up on the Wind city. That?s right, we?re in Chicago, IL, the headquarters HPB. We are introduced to the top people of this federation: the aforementioned Puppet the boss, the Ladies Man himself ?Beautiful? Bobby, Kato (Bobby?s brother) , the announcer (who unfortunately is what we would call a ?normie? - a man of normal height -), and a hardcore wrestler called ?Mad Mexx? (Hispanic). As the show goes on we are introduced to Turtle (the rookie that looks so incredibly like WWE?s Hornswaggle). He?s the rookie so (in typical WWE NXT fashion) he?s promptly hazed. Great! From getting an improvised haircut, to having to endure a forced ?genital area? fresh shave, to even getting a little less hairy around his buttocks area, he is getting the full service (and so are we). The self-proclaimed midgets, are now heading to Kansas City (beware K-to-the-C!). Turtle (remember this name, because he is about to embark in many adventures that will surely enthrall us all) is dared to run across a street and yell ?I?m a midget!? repeatedly. As he says ?I?ll do it? we then see him in his skimpy shorts, with said shorts stuffed inside his ?surely never to be contacted? regions. Puppet quickly mentions on how much ?he looks like Rikishi? as we see Turtle running into the far horizon. They talk about their desires, how much they want the crowd to react positively for their next shows, just your usual banter between professional wrestlers. Still inside the van, it is believe by those inside the automobile that Turtle is in deep need for more hazing, which obviously leads to the moment where we see the rookie himself Turtle being zapped with a dog zapper for no apparent reason. He strangely does not enjoy the experience. This time, inside the ?arena?, Puppet talks about the fact that this ?arena?/drunktards haven, is not big enough to fit a wrestling ring. Puppet also briefly dwells on how ?extreme? this promotion mentions which leads to the Puppet himself deciding that he should get his testicles stapled together as a way to warm up the Kansas City crowd . With his, I?m forced to ask thee: Would Vince K. McMahon do this? No. Would any sane person do that? Jai would probably do that, but he is not a sane person so that doesn?t count (but you got to confess: it would pretty swell to see him meeting Shawn Michaels, while noticeably limping his way to the man he so adores). As the crowd is officially warmed, first blood is then drawn as Puppet?s testicles bleed from the staples cut. We then quickly and surely head into the first match of this event. We see Kato being pitted against ?Beautiful? Bobby. Some flashy moves are shown, but the match ends with the shockers of shockers as Kato gets his medulla oblongata cut wide open from ?Beautiful? Bobby?s finisher ?The Splash? due to the fact that Kato was lying prone in a table for the bump, spot which gave Kato a ?Hardcore Holly? on the back of his head. The horror! Thankfully, we are all informed by Puppet about how THIS IS THE WORSE INJURY IN HALF PINT BRAWLERS HISTORY! (so we wouldn?t think that this is a careless promotion where stuff like this happens frequently). Talk about a bloody start! Somebody might die on the first show of HPB? or get severely injured (whatever makes you more enthralled? I?d go with the severely injured option, but that?s just me? because I?m a humane person? that happens to be reviewing HBP). An ambulance is called, while we notice that Kato is still lying prone on the floor! Kato is being comforted by his friends, though. The other members of HPB try to calm down ?Beautiful? Bobby (the perpetrator), telling him that this was nothing, that crap just happened to happen. For the amusement of the children watching this show, we are then quickly introduced to a graphic image of Kato?s gash. Yet again, we are quickly swooped from Kansas to a hotel in Wichita, as Kato informs us all that ?Yeah, I have a serious cut on my back of the head, but screw it; I want wrestle in the next show!?. Nobody is amused by his request. Specially Puppet the Boss. As they reach the green surroundings of Wichita, Puppet is dared to dance on a strip pole that is located on the backstage area. Little people?s hilarity ensues! As Puppet fails at trying to climb, he?s told that the best solution for this recent problem of his, would be resolved if he took off his clothes. He so does. Now, he doesn?t get to climb the pole as he wanted, but he will surely dance, he will rub his genitals and ass on pole and? Mad Mexx throws up. It?s just another day with the HPB gang. Kato is then dared to lick the pole. Guess what happens. Hint: Mad Mexx throws up after it yet again. The discussion about Kato working the show continues. Kato promises he will work safe. He promises he won?t take any dangerous bumps. That makes Puppet think twice about not including Kato on this show, as the typically reasonable boss, goes against his entrepreneurial M.O. and, tells Kato to ?go ahead? and wrestle! Kato vs Bobby part deux! On the same show! Talk about a freebie! You wouldn?t get that in from the people up there in Connecticut. A quick recap of the match is shown to us (as we see Kato taking safe bumps as he promises) , but still we see Kato jobbing again to a patented ?Beautiful? Bobby?s Splash! The sadness of Kato?s defeat is rapidly countered with a post-match celebration as they all drink a beer backstage and tell us all how much fun they had. But the fun has to take a break a seven day break as we are sent to the credits screen presenting us with what?s to come on the next episode of Half Pint Brawlers.

A new era in the history of mankind begins!

By: Joel (João) Gomes

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