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IYH Fan Shoot Interview - Baron

Posted in Fan Shoot Interviews by Jack at 22:08, Mar 22 2008

Conducted by Salrtibardfast

The following interview took place on 03/21/08. The interviewer, (the illustrious Slartibardfast), spent an hour and a half with the subject of this interview, (the infamous Baron Von Douche - also know as Dr. Algernon T. Warren, Esq., and Angry Samoan). The following transcript of that interview has been edited for grammar, and conversational flow, but is otherwise an exact record of the interview. Sadly, due to technical difficulties, a brief portion of the original unedited transcript has been lost. That portion, which dealt with the riveting topic of horrifically disturbing fetish porn, the incorporation of such a theme into a Kung-Fu movie, the obituary of Dr. Algernon T. Warren, and multiple brands of depilatory cream has been forever lost, and is known only to Slartibardfast and the Baron, (who we can only pray will never speak of it again). With that, I present you the Baron Von Douche interview.

[Slartibardfast] Before we begin, do you have an opening statement?
[Baron Von Douche] Not really... I guess I should start with "Quite"
[Slartibardfast] How original. You seem to be a reasonably intelligent person, so why are you doing this interview?
[Baron Von Douche] Because I wanted to. It should be pretty obvious by now that I'm controlled by my Id? Quite.
[Slartibardfast] You realize half the people who will read this will think you are controlled by your identification card?
[Baron Von Douche] It's not my fault they haven't taken Psych 101
[Slartibardfast] Fair enough. You seem to be a reasonably intelligent person, so why do you post on the IYH message board?
[Baron Von Douche] Do I have to repeat myself... haha... Actually, I do it because it amuses me, and I have had a chance to be creative
[Slartibardfast] Do you consider your postings art?
[Baron Von Douche] The Dr. Warren posts certainly were
[Slartibardfast] Quite.
[Baron Von Douche] Hey, that's my catchphrase
[Slartibardfast] Sue me, (we will get to that later actually).
[Slartibardfast] What is your least favorite thing about the IYH message board?
[Baron Von Douche] I'm not a fan of wasted posts... if you're going to post something, actually say something... don't just blindly agree with the person who posted ahead of you... that's retarded.
[Slartibardfast] I would concur, but apparently that would just upset you.
[Baron Von Douche] Not in this context Quite.
[Baron Von Douche] I have a funny admission regarding "Quite", which we can get to later...
[Slartibardfast] How many people do you have on your IYH message board ignore list?
[Baron Von Douche] Just one
[Slartibardfast] I didn?t think you would show so much restraint. Have you been tempted to add others?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, the really incendiary posters usually don't cross my path
[Slartibardfast] Give them time, they seem to be drawn to those enjoying themselves. If you could change one thing about the IYH community what would it be?
[Baron Von Douche] Nothing, really. I know it sounds like a cop out, but I don't see too much wrong right now
[Slartibardfast] Not even the default fonts?
[Baron Von Douche] What's wrong with them? I can read them. Granted, I like some odd fonts, but there's nothing wrong with keeping it basic.
[Slartibardfast] I am in a one-man war against Times New Roman; I was just hoping to do some recruiting.
[Slartibardfast] Your message board names changes, your avatar image changes, but your signature image remains the same. Why?
[Baron Von Douche] I need to do something that stays the same, since I have bounced around from name to name, and avatar to avatar, that and Andre the Giant was the shit
[Slartibardfast] Never been tempted to create a new identity from scratch, or use multiple personalities?
[Baron Von Douche] Didn't Dr. Warren qualify? He just popped up out of nowhere...
[Slartibardfast] But we knew who he was. Some choose to cover their tracks...
[Baron Von Douche] screw that... that smacks of effort. Anyway, my goal with Dr. Warren was to amuse, not to swerve.
[Slartibardfast] Do you think you accomplished you goal?
[Baron Von Douche] I think so. I was amazed of some of the responses when he left.
[Slartibardfast] Did the Dr. ever generate angry private messages?
[Baron Von Douche] No. I think most folks knew the Dr. Warren posts were outrageous for their own sake.
[Slartibardfast] So there really isn?t a Madam Chu?s Opium Den? I had travel plans?
[Baron Von Douche] If there was one, I would never leave.
[Slartibardfast] Ok, time to get a little personal; what do you do for a living?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, it has been mentioned before, but I am an attorney.
[Slartibardfast] Yes, but I believe most IHY members are either illiterate or have horrific attention spans. So what do you do for a living? J
[Slartibardfast] How far do you think you can go in your given profession?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, I have no real desire to be a judge, nor do I wish to run for public office, so I guess this is pretty much it.
[Slartibardfast] Perhaps your own practice, or does that lead us back to the effort answer you gave earlier?
[Baron Von Douche] Yeah. I prefer to work at a firm. Being a partner at a firm is better for me, even though I could make more money if I had my own practice.
[Slartibardfast] I?m bound to be caught doing one of the many illegal activities I so enjoy; would you consider going into criminal defense?
[Baron Von Douche] I know folks who could help you better than I could. I do civil litigation, namely Intellectual Property law.
[Slartibardfast] Such as suing people who use ?Quite? without permission?
[Baron Von Douche] I don't so plaintiff work. I work on the defense side.
[Slartibardfast] So I am safe, excellent! What do you wish you did for a living?
[Baron Von Douche] Being a pimp would be cool.
[Slartibardfast] Would you be a brothel style pimp, or a big hat on the street pimp?
[Baron Von Douche] Brothel style. If I had the whole big hat thing, then I would resemble "Mr. Whitefolks", and there really should only be one of them... Quite.
[Slartibardfast] What stops you from doing what you wish you could do for a living?
[Baron Von Douche] My desire to not get anally raped in prison.
[Slartibardfast] It?s amazing how often that is the motivation to prevent so many of us from doing so many things. If only we could work it into a weight loss system, we would be rich.
[Baron Von Douche] I guess the Iron Sheik should open up a weight loss gym, then Maybe JBL can be a trainer there.
[Slartibardfast] I don?t think they would get any repeat customers. Rouge asks: What trait do you hate the most in people?
[Baron Von Douche] The fact they're breathing my air
[Slartibardfast] Your air? Well I guess considering your line of work, you would know who it belongs to.
[Baron Von Douche] Damn right... I paid some guy in an alley $50 for that right.
[Slartibardfast] Did he thrown in a bridge and some land in Florida as well?
[Baron Von Douche] No... just some ocean-front property in Colorado
[Slartibardfast] In an obvious desperate attempt to get his name mentioned in the interview, Norrin asks: What is your least favorite vegetable and why?
[Baron Von Douche] least favorite vegetable... Terri Schiavo
[Slartibardfast] What did she ever do to you, besides bump Chyna from Larry King for a month?
[Baron Von Douche] Hey, I'm going with the whole sick humor motif here... I have a reputation to keep up here... Quite.
[Slartibardfast] Will you be working a Benoit joke in later in the evening?
[Baron Von Douche] Nah... Big Tiny's sig photo already does that enough
[Slartibardfast] Ok, enough of this high brow stuff, lets get down to brass tacks. How much pro wrestling do you watch a week, (what shows)?
[Baron Von Douche] Honestly... I don't watch it at all anymore.
[Slartibardfast] What made you stop? What would bring you back?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, I have always been "on anf off" with pro wrestling. Considering the last time I got back into wrestling, it was because of watching ECW back in 1995-1996, I don't see anything really succeeding in bring me back at this point
[Slartibardfast] Have you seen any Ring of Honor or dare I say it TNA?
[Baron Von Douche] ROH... no... I did a couple of TNA shows a couple of years ago, and I thought it was like watching WcW Thunder back in 2000... and that's not too good
[Slartibardfast] El Santo Loco asks: What wrestling fed - territory did you grow up watching?
[Baron Von Douche] Back in about 1976 or 1977, a neighborhood friend of mine told me about some wrestling show. I watched it, and thought it was pretty cool. I think it was Mid-Atlantic... I can't remember. But I do remember that Ric Flair was in it, and he was a face. So, it makes me chuckle whenever I see someone post about how Ric Flair shouldn't be a face...
[Slartibardfast] How do you feel about old wrestlers sticking around well past their primes, (such as Flair)?
[Baron Von Douche] If they want to do it, if they can still do it, and if fans like watching them do it, who the fuck am I to say they shouldn't?
[Slartibardfast] What wrestler do/did you find the most entertaining and why?
[Baron Von Douche] You mean other than Andre?
[Slartibardfast] What was special about Andre?
[Baron Von Douche] He was billed right. Vince did a great job of making Andre seem like he was 10 feet tall. I will say that another wrestler I really enjoyed watching was Nikita Koloff. I liked Nikita because of the way the NWA tried to explain why he was actually a good guy. They said, "He's not Russian, he's Lithuanian". Like the average wrestling fan knows enough about geo-political events to discern that... that was fucking gold.
[Slartibardfast] They explained it clearly in Hunt For The Red October.
[Baron Von Douche] How many folks read that in 1986?
[Slartibardfast] They had books on tape back then. What wrestler do/did you find the least entertaining and why?
[Baron Von Douche] Ronnie Garvin... yeah, he hand "Hands of Stone", but he also had zero charisma... "Mouth of Stone" was more like... and the Garvin Stomp looked retarded.
[Slartibardfast] I am very close to ending this interview sir. The Garvin Stomp was the greatest move in the history of the industry!
[Baron Von Douche] Why... do you own that trademark now?
[Slartibardfast] He was so great at it; no one else has ever dared attempt it.
[Baron Von Douche] A loss to us all, I'm sure
[Slartibardfast] It?s in the public domain, but no one uses it out of respect.
[Baron Von Douche] Actually, it's not... Garvin is still alive, if I recall correctly
[Slartibardfast] Hey don?t go waving that law degree around here; we got no need for your book learn?in!
[Slartibardfast] Ok, time to get the questions from the cretins in the message board. Krusherkoxx asks: How many hookers have you left beaten, maimed, or dead in your lifetime?
[Baron Von Douche] Actually, zero. I have a great respect for the prostitutes of the world. They provide a valuable service. Even Dr. Warren never harmed one, excluding a series of STDs...
[Slartibardfast] The ladies at the Bunny Ranch will seep easier tonight. Who wins in a fistfight: Dr. Warren, Esq, Angry Samoan, or Baron Von Douche?
[Baron Von Douche] The Baron. Yeah, Dr. Warren will be quite intoxicated, he is also 113. And the Baron has the power of Doucheland behind him... Quite.
[Slartibardfast] Where is Doucheland located, what is is like living there?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, if you like the smell of Axe and Tag body spray, if you like having your skin covered in a fake tanning product, and if you like LA Looks hair gel, then Doucheland is the place for you.
[Slartibardfast] Sounds like it's filled with frat boys, and would be actresses?
[Baron Von Douche] Yeah, it's also populated by the vapid hot women who like their men covered in that crap.
[Slartibardfast] Vapid women? So what is your immigration policy?
[Baron Von Douche] Getting in, or getting out?
[Slartibardfast] To be on the safe side, both.
[Baron Von Douche] Well, the policy is easy... It's like a roach motel. You're enticed to come in, so you have to wait in line next to a velvet rope until you achieve the proper level of "douche-ness", and then you are allowed in. Once in, you're stuck until your skin has a permanent glow from the "man-tan", your skin oozes Axe body pray, and you're projectile vomiting Grey Goose... It's actually a sad sight... ...and then you die... Quite.
[Slartibardfast] Perhaps I'll pass. Wulf asks: What can an average joe like myself do to achieve your level of culture and success? (Please give the young lad hope).
[Baron Von Douche] Two words: "bank fraud". Or "insurance fraud"... any old fraud or graft will suffice...
[Slartibardfast] Do you think he what it takes to be an artful dodger?
[Baron Von Douche] He is kind of big for that, isn't he? Maybe extortion should be his route.
[Slartibardfast] Not sure he has the mean streak needed to be a leg breaker. Perhaps late night TV sales of baseball cards? It worked for Don West.
[Baron Von Douche] It's also worked for Tom O'Dell too... and he's usually piss drunk when he's selling those craptacular knives.
[Slartibardfast] You are a fan of O'Dell?s work?
[Baron Von Douche] When shit goes wrong, I sure am... like the video where his partner has the katana break on him during the sales pitch... that's the best.
[Slartibardfast] Ah the good old days before the buy out.... Rouge asks: What happened to the Doc?
[Baron Von Douche] You know, this will be a long answer, right?
[Slartibardfast] Proceed.
[Baron Von Douche] Honestly, I don't know what happened to him. By the time I had the Doc leave, I was in a rut with him. I had been writing some of the most outrageous stories for months, and I got to the point where I didn't think I could top the last bit. So, when I didn't get a Heady's nomination, I saw the perfect chance to write him out. The Doc would be vain enough to be pissed at the perceived slight, and just leave. After all, he got his mail order prison wife, so what's left for him? I did write an obituary for him though...
[Slartibardfast] Oh do tell.

[The response to this prompting, and resulting brief porn discussion have been lost. We continue with the remainder of the interview in tact.]

[Slartibardfast] Jack asks: Why is Jack so awesome? (Please take this opportunity to rip him a new one).
[Baron Von Douche] Actually, the "Jackavision Champion" is the coolest sounding title a poster can have. If I could have that title permanently, then I would be quite pleased
[Slartibardfast] No1special asks the pertinent question: If you could only have one Olsen twin...which would it be?
[Baron Von Douche] I guess this means I can't have both?
[Slartibardfast]Yes. You have to choose between death and starving so pick one.
[Baron Von Douche] Well, if I have to choose, I guess I would the take the more fucked up one... Mary Kate, is it? After all, she kissed Ben Kingsley in a movie, so I'm guessing she's down with dating an older man. Who would have guessed the Olsen twins would turn out the way they did?
[Slartibardfast] I did. John Stamos destroys all he comes into contact with.
[Baron Von Douche] Then why aren't all of the Beach Boys dead? Can't we use John Stamos' evil for some good? Quite.
[Slartibardfast] Stamos is killing the Beach boys slowly, but he's killing them none the less.
[Baron Von Douche] I was working in a record store in undergrad, and we had some Mary Kate and Ashley kids videos, and they looked like little trolls... Who would have known they would have turned out so hot?
[Slartibardfast] We have different opinions of hot it seems. Please give me3 other "hot" chicks.
[Baron Von Douche] Aishwarya Rai, Zhang Ziyi and Keira Knightley. I guess someone doesn't remember my "Women We Love" thread...
[Slartibardfast] I stand corrected. Ziyi makes me happy.
[Slartibardfast] Here is a chance for you to impress the ladies with the size of your brain. In three sentences or less, please describe the relevance of British Common law as it pertains to the second amendment case before the U.S. Supreme Court. (and don?t give me that I don?t practice that kind of law line; you had to pass the bar like everyone else).
[Baron Von Douche] Sorry... do your own night school homework... Quite.
[Slartibardfast] Damn it, my paper is due in 12 hours! I'll get you for this.
[Baron Von Douche] Haha...
[Slartibardfast] Well I think it?s time to start winding down, do you have anything you would like to add?
[Baron Von Douche] Well, I guess I should mention the origins of the Doctor...
[Slartibardfast] Ah the story we have been waiting for. Is the story of the doc better than Lord of the Rings?
[Baron Von Douche] Quite.
[Baron Von Douche] There is a public access show here in Chicago that a character rarely appears on. The character, which is a puppet of an old man, is named Dr. Ken Phelps. He also uses the phrase "Quite". If you remember the puppet avatar, that is Dr. Phelps. So, I used it as a basis for Dr. Warren. However, I went off on wild tangents, as most of us have seen...
[Slartibardfast] Does the show still exist?
[Baron Von Douche] Yeah... there are some Dr. Phelps episodes on Youtube. It's not my character though; Dr. Phelps, that is. Give me a sec, I'll post them here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEPLqhG3cM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gJXuG5elDk , that was funny stuff, regardless of if it was intentionally funny or not.
[Slartibardfast] Who has left the message board that you miss?
[Baron Von Douche] I miss Tony T.
[Slartibardfast] This is your last chance to rip into someone, take it if you wish.
[Baron Von Douche] Does anyone else wish Monty and XT would just get married and end this courtship?
[Slartibardfast] Well done. This interview is now over. Do you wish you had the last hour and a half back?
[Baron Von Douche] I would have just wasted it anyway... Quite.

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