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Half Pint Brawlers - Defenders of a Nation

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 20:10, Jul 17 2010

Tonight?s riveting show starts with an unusual display athletic prowess... Well, a different time of athletic prowess with the showdowns of showdowns involving a battle between Kato and Puppet in the glorious sport of snooker. Being that we are talking about the world famous HPB gang (and being that we all know how competitive they are) they decided to bet that whomever lost, would have to be subdued to a humiliation created by the victorious man. Well, Puppet lost, so, he?s going to have to take a snooker shot to his ?gentleman vegetables? area.

The show is now officially underway. We are quickly told of the location of the HPB tonight: they are in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Yes, they aren?t LEAVING Mexico, they are HEADING towards Mexico! But they aren?t there just to admire the sights/those heading up north of the border; no, they are here to work, as they will be a part of a pro-wrestling show together with a group of fine local luchadores later tonight. As the gang is being driven through the sites of Cabo San Lucas by a tour guide fella called ?Gordo? (which means ?Fat Individual? in English?), Puppet asks the driver his thoughts on the importance of the sport of lucha libre in Mexico. He replies by stating that not only is lucha libre quite important in Mexico as it is ? as he believes ? the best form of professional wrestling in the world (not many people would disagree with such statement, myself included ? opinion journalism~! - ). Sadly, a Mexico themed show will NOT feature Mad Mexx, as he is ?injured? (or as I believe, he fears some sort of ?injury? by the Mexican penal code if he returns to his homeland) but the show has, as always, to go on. While inside the magic van that will take the gang from site to site, the HPBnation decides to put forward a new contest. In this case the contest consist of ?having sexual intercourse with the native woman (I believe that only opposite sex intercourse will count) before anybody else. As they arrive in the HO-tel, Kato decides the following ?humiliation? for those who come out on the losing side of things: ?those who do not achieve vaginal contact before the first individual to do so, will have to dress themselves like the typical members of a ?mariachi band?.

The rowdy trip continues, as they are again taken by their trusty driver?Gordo? towards a new location. The idea of going to a bull fighting arena is pitched. Big mistake? Big mistake. They arrive at an animal ranch, owned by an individual named ?Nicolas? (yes, that's a typical Mexican name). We take a look around the farm, until we are introduced to the greatest thing ever in the history of televised HPB action: his name, Lolo the donkey. His biggest achievement: local beer drinking champion. Yes. Send in the letters, PETA. They won't read them at all! To put this so-called achievement to the test, Turtle and Spyder will challenge the champìn Lolo to a drinking contest. Whomever drinks up an entire bottle of beer first is... a happy living being. Strangely (and though all donkeys have multiple stomachs ? which is good for endurance -) Lolo (and Turtle) lost to Spyder. Nicolas is sad. Spyder is not.

Next: Bullfighting. Yes, the entire HPNation versus a medium sized bull. As the bull is unleashed onto the arena, the once strong HPBnation doesn't seem to exude the same amount of courage that we are oh so used to witness as they (instead of bravely battling the horned menace) scatter and run away, similar to how Russian ladies run away from Mel Gibson (though I'm not comparing the aggressiveness of this bull to your typical Mel Gibson's ?Jesus induced? rage). Spyder (probably still feeling the effects of that single Corona beer) decides not to run away like a polite female person, but instead decides to face the bull, mano-a-bull-o. Yeah! Valiantly he faced the bull... for a couple of seconds, then ran away, jumped over the barricade thus unleashing the Frenchmen within.

That was fun, but you know what else is fun? Whores. So with this said, we are taken to the first ever official ?Half Pint Brawlers Booze Cruise?. Beers are present. The HPBnation is there, strong as ever. Whores as far as the eye can see. Plenty for the catch. The journey can now start, and could this possibly get underway in a better fashion than having Puppet give us all his war cry of ?Who wants to get fucked up with a midgets tonight?? No, it could not. The hunt is on as the HPBnation tries to mingle with the Gonorrhegal Squadron in an attempt to leave Mexico with a different outbreak in life. Turtle is perceived by Puppet to be the major underdog. We will see about that (hey, they didn't made a rule about ?consensual sex? being the only form of sexual intercourse valid for this contest!). Later that night, the ?Human STDs labs? are at the HO-tel with the HPBnation ready for more party. ?Life is good!? says the Puppet of the day after. Strangely for this type of well mannered ladies they all go wildly to a nearby jacuzzi with the HPBnation. Turtle seems to be more lucky than the other fellas as he snags a fine looking broad and takes her to his HO-tel room. The next day, Turtle delivers a bombshell as he tells us that he ?got some?. Got what? Vaginal action it seems. Did that vaginal action lasted a long time? According to Turtle, it did not. More upset than necessarily losing this bet, Puppet is upset about the fact that he is now officially a part of an incredible short list of human beings that have lost to artist known as Turtle. Well, as part of the bet, everybody (with the seldom exception of the victorious Turtle) needed to dress up like a typical mariachi band. Turtle finally laughs as he surely did got the last laugh. What a great moment for Turtle, finally he gets even with... hold on... a... a.... a...swerve? A swerve you say? Puppet didn't really got to do the ?leap of faith? with that ?scandalous? (damn you, censorship) woman? He's just making this stuff up? In pro-wrestling? Making stuff up? I'd never thought of such thing possibly occurring! The final part of the bet is fullfiled as we see the Turtleless HPB gang on the streets of Cabo San Lucas, as the ?Mini Mariachi band? is now trying to make a show for themselves. After we see frightining footage of them terrorizing the streets with their poor musical skills sent towards the location of tonight?s pro-wrestling event.

First off, the luchadores show off their amazing skills. A lot of great high-flying action is shown but the meat and potatoes of it all has to be what follows: The Half Pint Brawlers making it happen, south of the border! Yes, tonight's HPB features: a 3-way staple gun death match featuring Puppet vs ?Beautiful? Bobby vs Kato. A lot of high-flying action being seen here in this bout as well, said high flying action mixed up with staple gun madness. After some amazing scuffle action Puppet pins Kato with a slam for the below average size W. After the match, the bitter Kato gives the ring announcer Spyder, a vertical suplex because. Backstage the gang seems to be really impressed with themselves, and (for ego enhancing purposes) they are told by the Mexican luchadores that they did a heck a job. Before the show concludes, the big elephant on the room was the issue about either or not Turtle got some? He informs us all that he (obviously) didn't got some penis-on-woman action, but hey, we got some fist-on-noggin action for the general audience amusement which is something that Puppet deserved to unleash as a punishment for having to be forced to look like a boob the day after. And that is all folks. Unfortunately that is all... for tonight that is!

?Remember kids: STDs are only fun is you don't die because of them? - A Prudent Man

By: Joe Gomes

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