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Twisted Steel & Pink Appeal w/ Barbie

Posted in In My Head by BarbedWire at 19:33, Aug 13 2005

#1 - You Lousy, Badly Dressed Marks.

You scream about wanting more wrestling less talk on TV , we give you a Wrestling board and you talk about TV. I don't know. I just thought I'd start this with something provocative.

Browsing the IYH and WNL boards over at AudioWrestling.com's forum - the link for which is available here on http://www.inyourheadonline.com - you can't go more then half a dozen clicks without coming across someone blaming the worlds problems on WWE creative. There is also the occaisional genius calling them "WWE UN-creative" OMG TEH ZING SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. Everybody talks about those glory days of WWE back in the Attitude Era when the stories and characters had alot of thought and care put into them. That's because you're revisionist historians. Observe.

Val Venis - Name rhymes with penis , is a porn star.

Kai-en-tai- Are Japanese.

The Nation of Domination - Black Militia group.. later co-lead by Owen Hart.

I take it all back. That right there is grade A quality genius. Lets see if I can use this formula for ratings to make todays show better by means of reassigning people new gimmicks.

Heidenreich - Name sounds German , goose steps.

The Mexicools - Are Mexican.

MNM - Black Militia group.. later co-lead by........... Jillian.

Well maybe it isn't entirely universal but the point still stands. I'm not a writer. I never took any lessons in how to write. I'm just a really good lookin' guy who has a point to make. I enjoy Chris Masters. Not because he's an incredible worker and not because he's the worlds most charismatic on the mic. I enjoy Chris Masters because there is a train wreck quality to him. I like Chris Masters because the Masterlock Challenge makes sense. The Flea of Message Board fame will spend several hours of his day on the nearest mountain top crowing the praise of the ol' NWA. I'm sure Chris Masters and his Full-Nelson would never have fitted in to the NWA. I'm sure technical wrestling moguls such as Big Josh , 'Dirty' Dutch and El Gigante would've run rings around him. Chris Masters is a wrestling character. He's not a soap character , he's not a Zombie and he's not just a regular guy from Texas. Chris Masters is a GOOD wrestling character. It just seems these days that if you're not Japanese , Chris Benoit or you can't pull off a nice Shining Wizard then the Internet has no room for you. Believe me , someday soon Chris Masters will be nothing more then a jobber but before then he has to win matches , even if he's against someone you might like. Why ? Glad you asked. If Chris Masters appeared on the scene Monday and had lost three matches by Thursday then.. why is he there ? When Ric Flair was in the WWE (WWF at the time) in the early 90's he came in and was WWE Champion pretty quickly. He fueded with Randy Savage , he fought the biggest names in the company and he beat them. Before he left to go back to WCW , Vince McMahon knew where Ric Flair was headed in the WWE. He planned for Ric Flair to become JTTS. For those not educated in Wrestling Internet Shorthand , that means Jobber To The Stars. Which , if you can't work THAT out , meant he was going to be the guy that put over everyone from the Upper-Mid Card and up. Ric Flair was going to be the guy that you'd beat to prove to the fans that you were worthy of a spot high in the card. To prove that you were worth shelling out money to watch. Ric would've beaten a few guys from the mid-card or lower now and then , but otherwise would be on his back more then an Amsterdam Hooker in an Economic Boom. Why would it mean alot to beat Ric Flair ? Why would it give your career a huge rub ? Would it be because Ric has mic skills out the wazoo ? No. Would it be because his robes are pretty ? No. It would , however , be because Ric Flair had been the champ , because Ric Flair had beaten Savage and because Ric Flair had gone over an hour in the Royal Rumble. Is Chris Masters going to win the Royal Rumble and take the strap at WrestleMania ? I hope not. He is going to keep beating people , though. Until he either gets a lot better or until he's legitimate enough to give somebody climbing the ladder a rub. It's smart on WWE's behalf because without stepping stones , nobody is going to make it across the creek , no matter how good they are or how much you think they deserve it.


So far I seem to have come across as a very confrontational asshole. That's alright by me , 'cause I'll be the first to admit I'm an asshole. I'm not being mean , you understand. Your opinions are your opinions and I have the upmost respect for your right to have them. I'm just letting you know what I think about things in my own special way. I don't get alot of time to get my opinions across on the shows , so I'm doing it here. Make sense ? Thank you. One of the things that Jack will actually let me and sometimes Incher talk about on the show though , is the Divas. Theres a reason for this , believe me. It's because he doesn't know their names. He doesn't. Candice Michelle , Michelle McCool-Alexander , Lauren Jones (who ain't pretty and seems to have perhaps disappeared) , Maria Kanellis and Christy Hemme. Well.. he knows Christy's name.. I'll give him that. I know these things. This is my area of expertise besides obscure matches on PPV's nobody remembers. I remember Joy Giovanni , Rochelle Loewen (who wasn't from the Diva Search , she was actually hired at the same time but wasn't in the contest) and Carmella DeCesare. I'm not sure why. Granted , as a guy a good looking woman will make me sit up and take notice , it's only natural. Other Wrestling fans who are equally as appreciative of a good looking woman , however , don't feel the same way that I do. It seems finding one on the Internet who shares my love for these things is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Luckily , IYH celeb Cap'n Fabulous is one of those needles. He's not a crack whore or anything , he's just one of those needles. Even The Notorious O.I.B. seems to have been dragged to my side and forming opinions on the Diva Search. I'm single handedly injecting testosterone into a show otherwise filled with guys who go to work in spandex and disertations on Dungeons and Dragons. Some people seem to think I'd be the first to jump on the D&D talk , seeing as how fond we Brits are of both Dungeons AND Dragons. This is not so. I did watch the Cartoon a few times , but it was far too hit and miss. It was either good or really , really bad and the latter seemed to pop up more often when I tuned in. Maybe it was too old for me at the time I tried to watch , I don't know. I do know I'm drifting off topic and without Incher to suddenly shout out the topic supposedly at hand that may happen alot. The topic was Divas. Lead on , McCool. Sometimes I'm far too smart to communicate with Wrestling fans.

I went to school atleast a few times. She was never there.

That right there is Candice. Candice Michelle. She's on SmackDown these days. Fluffing up fluffer positions at the speed of... fluff. She is hot. That's her selling point. She has huge breasts and she is hot. She is not being dressed up as a wrestler. If theres a fluff piece that needs taking , she takes it. An essential role in wrestling. If you get off on thinking shes bouncing around the locker room and bouncing on top of anyone whos available then shes there to satiate you. If you're like me and would rather have announcements made by someone with breasts to stare at then Teddy Long , then shes there to do that. Hell , if you stare at a set like that long enough you become dumber then a box of rocks. I'm not trying to justify it , I'm being honest. She's hot. I like to look at her. She's hot. If putting her on screen for a few minutes means Animal doesn't cripple himself in a match longer then 3 minutes then put her on there and let me stare. Girls , you don't have to enjoy it but give me my titties. You get to stare at dudes in tights for most of the show , let me see some titties. There will always be generic roles for women in wrestling , so why not have some generic women lieing around for them ?

Not pictured is me on the left projectile drooling.

It's Maria. That's Maria. Call her Maria. Maria has been brightening up RAW for some time now. Look at her. Obviously that picture is designed for me to be able to oggle but that's not her biggest selling point. Where Maria is concerned , she's adorable. She's like a tiny little beautiful teddy bear that I just wanna scoop up and give a big hug.. and cop a feel. She's hot and no mistake. She plays the roll of RAW (and OVW) Interviewer with a difference. She's an airhead. She's silly , she's daft as a brush and her questions are about as intelligent as a Swiss Cake Roll. I love that. She's been given a gimmick and a gimmick that works , to boot. I don't understand in any way how someone can have a problem with Maria being on RAW every week. She's got an IQ of 37 , for crying out loud. What's the appeal of a stupid woman ? This might be a question that has plauged women for eons. Right here and right now , Barbie is going to break every code in the male world and tell you why. It's because we think we can out smart her. She's got the breasts and vagina , so we'll never be in control of the situation , never , but maybe we can feel like it for a little while. Maybe we can convince her it'll end world hunger if she plays me a song on this here magic whistle. Maybe I can convince her that sex is an olympic sport and I signed us both up so we need to practise night and day. Maybe. Maybe. Odds are no we could not , but that doesn't matter because believe me the shit that goes on inside Daddies head goes against alot of things , logic , morality , occaisionally legality and the laws of physics. The target male demographic for professional wrestling is the male 18-35 section and they are going to play to that demographic because that is where the money comes from. Maria isn't treated like a sex object on TV like so many women , she's treated like someone who should wear a crash helmet 24/7. Don't take my Maria away from me. You wouldn't want to see Barbie cry would you ?

Leyyyyyyla. La-la-la-la-Leyyyyla.

Leyla. Current Diva Search contestant. She's hot. Why is she here ? She's my favourite. Not because shes the hottest.. which.. ya know.. she is. No. She is my favourite to win because she shows the most personality. I voted for her this week , as I have every week , because I think she would make a pretty good heel valet. Sneering away and slapping people all over the place. Using her exotic look to manipulate guys. Spells quality to me. Elisabeth aKa Generic Giggly Blonde (GG would pretty much fall into the Candice Michelle dominated fluff roll , which is taken on RAW by Stacy and Christy and taken on SmackDown by Candice. She's not needed. She looks too fragile to take a fall , too. Ashley aKa Generic Blonde Tom-boy (GBT) is trying way too hard and coming across way too.. rehearsed. Her act isn't all that entertaining to start with , but she doesn't even make it convincing. Leyla ? Leyla can get it done. Which is why I'm asking.. nicely.. that you please go over to WWE.com and vote for Leyla. If you don't I'll club a Baby Seal on the hour every hour until you do.

Love and Kisses,

P.S. I mean it. Baby Seals. On the hour. Every hour.

User Comments

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22:46, Aug 13 2005

Brilliant and inspired Barb

Now I´m off to my mountain top

PPV Star

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01:03, Aug 15 2005

OK I finally read it

Great stuff

Write more!

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11:42, Aug 23 2005

Excellent column Barb, now your getting in my head!

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17:45, May 10 2014

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